Date: Tue, 21 Nov 95 00:46:27 ARG From: ales@wamani.apc.org (Alejandra Sarda) A DAY-LONG WORKSHOP ABOUT VIOLENCE IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS. Facilitated by Lesbianas a la Vista's working group on violence: Laly Eiven, Sandra Saavedra, Alejandra Sarda and Fabiana Tron. This workshop was the culmination of this year's work for us. We have been meeting weekly since June to read both theory and fiction on the subject, and to share our own experiences too. All of us have survived one (or several) abusive relationships. We wanted to put all that work into a worshop open to the community. The workshop was guided by two basic principles: * We have chosen to speak of "intimate relationships" and not exclusively about "couples" because we find that approach quite heterosexist. Heterosexual society moves around the (supossely) monogamous couple and its byproduct, the nuclear family. Our lives as lesbians do not fit into that pattern; we have many other meaningful relationships with women, outside the couple. And violence might be also present in those other interactions (friends, other activists, etc.) We also wanted to include the family of origin in our analysis, not only because family relationships are violent per se due to the hierarchical and mysoginist structure of the Western family, but also because lesbophobia on the part of family members increases the chances that violence be inflicted upon us. * A lesbian is violent only because she is convinced she has the right to control somene else through fear. There is no miserable life story or amount/type of social pressure endured that might justify the use of violence against another lesbian/s. When we resort to the very same weapons the system is using against us, we are collaborators, not victims. Every lesbian must be accountable for the way she chooses to behave. During the workshop, around 20 women worke divided into two groups: "What is and what isn't violence in intimate relationships?" and "Self-esteem, lesbophobia and its relationship with violence". We noticed that in a society that is as violent as ours, with a collective history of impunity for the worst crimes, people are extremely tolerant of violence. Many "subtle" ways of being violent are not recognized as such. The internalized heterosexual pattern of domestic violence is also to blame for it, because that pattern is not necessarily reproduced by lesbians. As that pattern is the only recognized way of being "violent", it blocks the recognition of other styles, more common amongst us. In many groups, heavy jokes are the usual way of relating between members, and those jokes are hardly identified as violent behaviors. Besides concepts, the workshops was rich in emotions. The shame of being in the situation of having violence inflicted upon myself. Violence directed against my own body, locking words, complaints, laughter, inside. The fear of loosing love if I say "stop it". More shame, when violence is comitted in front of witnesses. And the opposite: the relief of having someone else to testify that yes, the nightmare was real, I'm not crazy after all. Doubts, questions: Isn't violence intrinsic to being human? Isn't the victim partially responsible of the situation, as she stays? It's true that we are living in a violent world, but is necessarily violence the only weapon at hand to defend ourselves? Proposals, tentatives, conclussions: It is possible to choose not to inflict violence upon others even though one has grown up in a violent family. There are alternative ways to work on violent drives: beating a pillow, practicing judo. We can learn to negotiate instead of trying to dominate, but it's harder because to talk means to open yourself and that is always kind of risky; in that sense, violence is "protective". We allow violence to happen because we fear being left out. At the self-steem workshop a parade of monsters took over: crooked bodies, disgusting souls. That's how we viewed ourselves. And then, shyly, someone noticed she had good humour, or she was always willing to learn something new, or she was reliable, honest. Everyone wanted to be blond, tall, thin, perfect. Those "unreachable others" truly undeserving abuse. And those images were intertwined with those of the first lesbians we knew, in person or through stories: perverted, lonely, failed women, bulldaggers (marimachas in Spanish). The shame of having to walk besides a friend who was "too obvious". The glorification of "feminine women". There is almost no need to mention that nobody was surprised such monsters would be recipients of so much violence: mothers who beat, alcoholic fathers, lesbophobic policemen, mysoginist bosses, lovers/ friends/ sisters who have learnt too well society's lessons. A sad surprise: to see that nobody was surprised. The workshop ended with body work. Feathers and caresses for bodies that had been overworked, despised, alienated. A collective dance, our voices turning into drums, our strenght, a few drops of Amazon pride, candlelight ... Next year, we will keep on working. Alejandra Sarda Escrita en el cuerpo (Written on the body) Piedras 1170 1ero. B (1070) Buenos Aires, Argentina Telefono: 54-1- 931 9648/307 66 56 E.mail: ales@wamani.apc.org -- ales@wamani.apc.org < Fin - End >