Date: Wed, 12 Jun 1996 16:22:30 -0400 From: DanHarvey@aol.com Subject: Fwd: Surasky in Pro-Jo 6/4/96 Thanks for your wonderful feedback. Enclosed is the column plus a few lines I wished I had added to the print version. Have fun and keep up the good work! Cecilie EVEN FRANKENSTEIN HAS A BRIDE. SO WHY CAN'T I? Don't get me wrong, I'm voting for Clinton this November. With so many Republicans in Congress cutting every social program known to humankind, voting for Clinton, warts and all, is the only hope I have left for the coming millenia. But this latest thing is just too funny to ignore. Bill Clinton. That's President Bill "Gennifer-Flowers-kiss-and-tell-Paula-Jones-suing-him-for-sexual-harassment" Clinton, has vowed to sign a bill called the Defense of Marriage Act, should it pass Congress. A bill co-sponsored by paragons of moral virtue like Bob "his-wife-publicly-accused-him-of-battering-her-several times-and-tried-to-divorce-him-too" Dornan; and Bob "the-father-from-hell-who-never-mentions-his-daughter-from-his-other-marriage- because- 'I don't think I really knew her well'"-Dole. I'm not even sure why Newt "serial-adulterer-divorced-his-first-wife-while-recovering-from-cancer" Gingrich didn't put his impratur on the bill as a co-sponsor. Maybe cause it would be just a tad hypocritical for him to talk about defending anyone's marriage when he hardly seems interested in his own. Wait a minute, you say. Dear Cecilie, what exactly is the Defense of Marriage Act? Is it a federal bill requiring aspiring newlyweds to pass an exhaustive prenuptial compatibility questionnaire? A bill requiring anyone who even thinks about engaging in an extramarital affair to be strapped down to a chair and forced to watch Fatal Attraction 24 hours straight? (with actual adulterers getting house visits from Glenn Close) Is it a bill that would put drive-in Elvis wedding chapels at every DMV making marriage safe, easy and convenient? No, gentle reader. The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is none of these things. It is an act that would make gay marriage illegal. Congress is hastily pushing it through because it looks like the Supreme Court in Hawaii will soon determine that it's hunky dory for homosexuals to get hitched in Honolulu. Plus, 34 state legislatures thus far have introduced legislation to ban gay marriages, just in case the federal law doesn't do the trick. None of this makes much sense to me. I pay the same taxes as everyone else. I 've dedicated my life to public service. Lots of my lesbian and gay compatriots serve at war time and sacrifice life and limb (as long as they lie about their families and who they are). Why are all these politicians trying to permanently ensure that my primary committed relationship with a woman has the legal standing of two strangers who have just met on a bus? Because, they say, by doing so, marriage, the cornerstone of a civilized society, will be preserved. Huh? I'm not arguing that marriage is in trouble. With a 50% divorce rate, if marriage were a business, it would likely be shut down, perhaps re-engineered and certainly down-sized. I feel very bad about that. I long to see a world where people fall in love and live happily ever after raising happy, well adjusted children. But I can't for the life of me figure out how its my fault that most people don't. Confused, I decided to ask my very own marriage pundits--my parents. They're experts because they'll be celebrating their 40th anniversary this week plus they've each been married twice. Besides, my father has a lot in common with Bob Dole. He served in W.W.II and he's old. I figured he could give me some insight into this strange logic that casts gays and lesbians as Barbarians at the gates of Western civilization. Talking to my parents was a bit disturbing. Aside from the fact that they didn't know how long they'd been married-- they acknowledged they weren't sure they were married at all. "We were married once in Mexico and once in a synagogue. Is that legal?" my father asked. In 1956, my parents eloped to a small Mexican town. "It was a really big deal," my mother insisted. "The mayor who married us put his teeth in for the ceremony." My relatives didn't consider the ceremony kosher, so to speak, so my parents got married a year later with a rabbi who did own his own teeth. This didn't seem fair. They married twice, while I can't get married at all. Even a quickie wedding in Mexico has more legitimacy than I could ever hope for as a lesbian. This got me thinking. Not to compare my parents to Ted Bundy, but it dawned on me that even serial murders have more rights as citizens than my partner and I have. Heck, even Frankenstein has a bride! Anyway, what I really wanted to ask my parents was, "Do you think of me as a threat to the institution of marriage?" "Absolutely!" my mother replied. "When you were a baby and you kept us awake all night-having to change your diapers, you were definitely a threat to our marriage!" My father thinksbanning gay marriages is a dumb idea. He suggested a better law would dictate that anyone getting married 3 or more times would lose all economic benefits of marriage. No inheriting rent controlled apartments. No cheap car insurance. No spousal pensions. No social security payments. No wedding gifts. It could be called the Elizabeth Taylor Act. Then he made another good point. "You know all these guys who said Bill Clinton had no right to make any pronouncements about the military because he never served? Well they're doing the same thing. They have no right to talk about defending marriage when they can barely preserve their own." He didn't know how right he was. I looked up the marital status of the bill's co-sponsors and couldn't keep track of all the divorces. Tha fact is, whether or not individual members of Congress think gays are spawn of Satan, this is all a sick joke. If any one of them had an ounce of integrity, they'd put gay people about 62nd on a list of things to defend marriage against: domestic violence (including murder), child abuse, child brides, bride burning, mail order brides, alcoholism, drug abuse, television, the internet, the lottery, Foxwoods Casino, Bay Watch, Monday Night Football, credit cards, malls, etcetera, etcetera.... The fact that they picked us first to pick on shows they don't give a hoot about defending marriage ( which reminders me of another institution that should go on the DOMA list--Hooters) It's times like these that I turn to the great chronicler of American culture, the fount of family values, the bard of love, Bert Bacharach. In his immortal words, "What the world needs now is love sweet love, that's the only thing that there's just too little of.." Ultimately, that's all marriage should be about. I do believe that eventually our love will be acknowledged for what it is, every bit as spiritual and perfect, and also flawed and human, as the love between women and men. Cecilie Surasky is a communications consultant. e-mail: Surasky@aol.com {et