Reprinted from The Milwaukee Journal, columnist Joel McNally from July 22nd.
(He's a regular humor/satire columnist..so lighten up. :) )

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL, DON'T LAUGH

To: All Military Personnel
Re: New Policy Toward Gays in the Armed Forces

In response to the numerous questions that have been raised about our new 
policy of DOn't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Pursue, and, For-The-Love-Of-Pete-
Don't-Do-It:

1. We thought we told you not to ask.

2.Forget that part about loving Pete, too.

3.Rest assured that, whatever our new policy is, it will continue to be
sufficiently odious and discriminatory to have full support of the joint
chifs of staff ans Sen. Sam Nunn(D-Ga.) chaiman of the Senate Armed Services
Commitee.

4. The emphasis is on banning homosexual conduct up to and including marriage
or attempted marriage. The military will immediately discharge anyone of the
same sex who attempts to marry Sen. Nunn or any member of the joint chiefs.

5. No one may be discharged simply for associating with known homosexuals,
visiting a gay bar or listening to show tunes.

6. A member of the armed forces may march in a gay-rights parade in civilian
attire unless a civilian happens to wearing the attire at the time.

7. In the US Army and Marine Corps, wearing green on Thursdays will no longer
be considered evidence of homosexuality.

8. Sexual orientation is no longer an actionable offense. Members of the armed
forces are free to face in any direction.

9. Specific conduct that is banned includes bodily contact such as kissing,
hand-holding, and dancing. Homosexual orgies will be banned, too. They can lead
to dancing.

10. Specific dances that are banned include the tango, the lambada, the mambo,
the Achy Breaky, the Tush Push, the box step and the Freddy. Patent leather
tap dancing shoes are prohibited since they reflect up.

11. According to the Secretary Of Defense Les Aspin, anyone in the military who
openly declared he or she was homosexual would create a presumption of homo-
sexual conduct that would be "rebuttable."

12. Homosexuals in the armed forces would be required to practice celibacy.
Funds would be provided in the Pentagon budget to set up practice ranges where
military personnel would learn to break down their weapons.

13. In a dramatic break from the past, the private conduct of members of the
military would not be investigated and human lives would not be destroyed as a
result of vague beliefs or suspicions that "there's something funny about that
guy."

14. If there are any further questions regarding this new policy, don't ask,
and we won't tell.


BearCub....


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