From: kevyn@aol.com
To: qrd@vector.casti.com
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 94 08:22:44 EST
Subject: PHRED PHELPS (satire)


Already facing bankruptcy and union disputes, Food Barn, Inc. has a new enemy
-- the Reverend Fred Phelps.
     On the way back from a recent jihad to Kansas City to picket the Village
Church of anti-fundamentalist minister Robert Meneilly, Phelps and his 67
children went into a Food Barn to pick up a few groceries for the Mrs.
(Phelps' wife is no longer able to walk due to having had so many children).
Upon discovering that many of the milk  jugs were labelled "Homo" and had
purple caps (A color associated with the gay agenda) Phelps and his brood
proceeded to trash the place. Fred took off all his clothes and rolled naked
in a puddle of butter and milk, screaming "Thou shalt not suckle at the teats
of Satan! There's AIDS in the milk ! God hates cows ! Deuteronomy 21:4 !!!"
Phelps also buttered up a large salami and sodomized himself it, shrieking
with a purple face "How dare those sodomites do this in the privacy of their
own homes!!!" Phelps' ambulance-chaser son Johnathan  also shoved a
16-year-old stockboy through a glass panel because he was restocking Crisco
on the shelves. "This is stocked solely to lubricate the perversions of the
store's deviant constituents!!!" Fred explained.
     Shaking an unsteady finger, Phelps took advantage of the large number of
gasping, gaping Sunday shoppers to denounce various media figures. Taking his
cue from Joseph Chambers of North Carolina, Phelps denounced Barney as the
"lavender sodomite saurus" and derided Ernie and Bert of Sesame Street as the
"pansy puppets of Satan's will". He cited the fact that Bert is yellow and
Ernie is orange as proof that Sesame Street was enouraging "Racial mixing "
and their tufty black hair as a symbol of pubic hair. He accused Big Bird of
teaching children to have sex with animals. 
     Spewing spit with every consonant, Phelps also criticized Mr.
Snufflefugus of Sesame Street. "His trunk is a phallic symbol and a blatant
attempt to seduce our young ''uns into a sick lifestyle" Phelps shrieked.
      This intrepid reporter asked a blanket-wrapped Phelps being led away by
police what his next plans were. Phelps stated that he planned to picket the
Westport School of Hairstyling.
       "Every dadblamed fool knows that all fags are hairdressers", he
sneered. "They recruit people into the sodomite lifestyle who come there
trying to learn a trade."
        Asked if his recent tirades at the funerals of Virginia Kelley and
Randy Shilts were a bit harsh for a Christian, Phelps smiled sadly.
         "I am only a poor innocent gentle meek mild harmless peaceful old
Baptist counrty preacher," Fred said. "I am only spreading God's joy and
peace and love".