Date: Fri, 12 Jun 1998 18:57:30 -0400 From: Chris Ambidge Subject: *Integrator* files for 1991 INTEGRATOR, the newsletter of Integrity/Toronto volume 91-3, issue date 1991 03 13 copyright 1991 Integrity/Toronto. The hard-copy version of this newsletter carries the ISSN 0843-574X Integrity/Toronto Box 873 Stn F Toronto ON Canada M4Y 2N9 == contents == [91-3-1] INTIMACY WITH GOD: A Weekend at Kirkridge [91-3-2] EXPLORING AIDS LITURGIES / by Sandy Tipper [91-3-3] WE ARE PEOPLE OF THE BODY / by Barbara Lundblad [91-3-4] THE ANGLICAN CHURCH AND HUMAN RIGHTS ======== [91-3-1] INTIMACY WITH GOD: A Weekend at Kirkridge [The first weekend in January, three members of Integrity/Toronto attended an event for gay men at Kirkridge Retreat Centre in Pennsylvania. This was the sixth annual such event, each led by John McNeill with the theme "Intimacy with God". This year's was subtitled, "Spirituality of the 12 Step Program". *Integrator* has asked each of our participants to tell a little about his experience of the week-end.] = = = = = = PARTICIPANT # 1 "This was my fourth event at Kirkridge. The first three times were at June's *Gay, Lesbian and Christian* which has been going on for 14 years now. "*This* week-end had a somewhat different feel as it was for gay men only. While we appreciate the contribution women bring us from their experience, there are times when we need time with people of our own gender and I was ready for a time like that! "Walking into the Registration area late Friday afternoon felt like a homecoming. The first people I saw were friends from my previous weekends and warm hugs and kisses reminded me of the caring fellowship of God's family to which we belong. "Plenary sessions, small group reflection and sharing times, lively conversation and laughter over hearty (and healthy) meals, quiet times of one-on-one personal dialogue and even solitary walks are elements of the deeply nourishing and transforming environment at Kirkridge. "One of the images that John McNeill used during his presentations particularly appealed to me. He compared the growth toward 'Intimacy' with God to a dancing. In the beginning, we are tense, distant and intent on being the one to 'lead.' We're not fully prepared to trust that God knows what to do or where to go. Then gradually, trust and love develop. We begin to relax and to draw closer. Finally, we just give ourselves into God's hands, confident that this Friend and Lover knows what to do and is perfectly capable of leading and accompanying us through our dance of life! "On reflection since, I find that I like this image more and more. God does not lead in such a way as to submerge our abilities and personalities, but rather to build our confidence. God spins us to let us show our stuff, lifts us high on powerful shoulders so we may be affirmed as the dancers we are, and allows us freedom to become even better at the dance because we have so confident and competent a partner. Coming away from this weekend, I returned knowing that there is 'work' to be done. Some of that work is internal - becoming a more light- hearted and confident dancer, if you like. Some of it has to do with relationships with other people in my life. "All in all I return thankful for Kirkridge, thankful for John McNeill and thankful for all the good friends (some of them brand new) who made the weekend a blessing." = = = = = = PARTICIPANT # 2 "I'm a Kirkridge junkie. It is a place that holds a fascination which brings me back again and again. The idea of a gay/lesbian or gay men's event there without me would be intolerable. A wise person has defined 'sacred space ' as 'space where sacred things happen.' That mountain is sacred to me because of the growing I have done there over the years. "One reason I HAD to go to this event is John McNeill. John has been my shepherd on this mountain for years, helping me to grow into a happier, healthier, deeper person. "The official beginning of the event is seven o'clock dinner and already there is a sense of oneness with others. As the weekend goes on, conversations happen. There is sharing, the feeling of being admitted to a wonderful intimacy with strangers. You become aware of the privilege awarded. "And who are we? We are gay men - that's who the retreat is for. Of course we're more than that. Some of us are alcoholics or substance addicts. When the title is *The Spirituality of the Twelve Steps*, there is a particular focus for these friends. During the weekend there were times when we were let into secrets we had no business hearing. And yet we had to hear them; this was a painful part of the essential intimacy of being there. "Some of us are Church people. Well, you may say, of course - isn't this a Christian retreat? And one issue was the way people express loyalty to the Church. I couldn't help thinking of the ten-year hell that John McNeill went through at the hands of Cardinal Ratzinger, culminating with false accusations, sanctions without due process, a total denial of justice and the gross misuse of misplaced power. "In the plenary sessions we hear John McNeill's carefully crafted presentations on *The Spirituality of the Twelve Steps* which he developed in various directions, leaving food for thought each time. After each major presentation, we split into groups of six or eight where we could explore and share our thinking in the context of our own personhood and experience. Part of the trust we share is that no personal details are reported away from the mountain. While it takes some people a whole weekend (or several events) to begin opening up, others can't wait to unload the things which have weighed them down. "Some at Kirkridge feel so badly dealt with that they can't stomach the institutional Church at any price. Can we blame them? Has the 'Church' any right to expect loyalty from these people? John often makes the point that the truly loyal Church-person is 'a loving critic and a critical lover'. One marvels at the strength (or foolishness) which keeps people in the Church, still filled with hope that the Holy Spirit will prevail; *must* prevail! "Worship at Kirkridge tends to avoid the 'Churchy', although there was one dreadful occasion years ago, when only ordained clergy got to take any 'leadership role'. Of course, they screwed it up! "This year's worship was simple. As well as good preaching by a good friend and neighbour of Kirkridge, we celebrated with broken bread, 'This is *our* body, broken.' I found that most moving. As in any good liturgy, there was room for individual input as well. "On the trip home from Kirkridge, there is dialogue between me and me in the car. 'Was it worth it?' I say, and the car is filled with a strange chatter. 'What has it done to me, being there again?' 'Have I grown any?' 'Have I any resolves?' "Making resolves can be dangerous, but yes, there are resolves; I came away with the sense of being empowered, and re-empowered in special ways, so that my resolves are not disciplinary - like doing more reading. Rather, I have the secure feeling that important things in my life have shifted direction and that I didn't do the shifting, God did. Some of the old things simply aren't important any more, and I know that others I couldn't have dared attempt will soon blossom. It's a profound sense of hope and courage. "I can't come away without the need, too, to pray for the people I've met, or met again. The network of prayer is something that feels all the more real. "So, I've been to Kirkridge. Again. And the day I arrived at Kirkridge in January, I registered for the June event. See you!" = = = = = = PARTICIPANT # 3 "A peaceful weekend break in the mountains of Pennsylvania soon became much more than that, I realised, after I arrived. John McNeill is a truly splendid man - his reflections served to clarify a number of notions I had not yet been able to identify fully. "A point which particularly struck me was that people may use their lovers almost as idols, thereby distracting themselves from their ultimate mission, the quest for intimacy with God. Of course, we use other idols, too - substances, and even our jobs. John told us that, in the "dance" of life, we should let God take the lead rather than always assuming that we know best. "In his sessions, John made a number of other points. One was that, in a world of intolerance toward lesbians and gays, we should endeavour to "drink from our own wells" in our theology. These were helpful words to me, as I am often hobbled by feelings of guilt at what I am - feelings that are based in the homophobia of 'straight' society. "Perhaps the most important aspect of the weekend for me was the time we spent sharing our stories with one another. I was especially touched by the courage of those with HIV/AIDS as well as those who had been so badly persecuted, whether by their families, employers or their church. "When I left, I really felt like a man returning from the mountain top." = = = = = = An affirming and spiritually nourishing experiencing such as can be had at one of the Kirkridge Lesbian or Gay retreats is something that can only do us good. Many of us have had experiences with the church or with religious organisations that have left it hard for us to reconcile who we are and our faith. Another participant in this same weekend wrote about his last hour there before leaving: "I came away with a new sense that God was, indeed, still here and still interested in me. I hadn't felt that in quite a long time. "We went down to the chapel Sunday before we left. It was drizzling rain and cold, and the ground was muddy when we went, but neither of us suggested returning to the car. In fact we didn't speak at all after crossing under the stone archway. We found the chapel and went inside and sat down. I have never experienced silence and peace so profound in my entire life. I can't describe the feeling any better than that. We sat for awhile - how long I don't know and don't think the question has any meaning - we were in God's time, *kairos* (as Madeleine L'Engle puts it), not *khronos*, human time - and then left, in silence, and walked up the hill in the still-dripping rain, and re-crossed the arch again to pass from *kairos* into *khronos*, and I suddenly wanted to cry for what I was leaving behind. I still don't fully understand what happened there. I found parts of myself I didn't know existed. I found that there is a core of essential rightness at the centre of everything. I don't know what the result of all this will be. I do know that I can never *not* trust God again." ==== KIRKRIDGE is a mountain retreat centre in eastern Pennsylvania (85 miles from Philadelphia and New York City). There are three events each year there specifically for lesbians and gays - the *Gay, Lesbian, and Christian* weekend in June, one specifically for Lesbians in the Fall and the Gay Men's held on the first week-end of January. If you would like more information, write to them or call: Kirkridge / 2495 Fox Gap Road /Bangor PA / 18013-9359 / 610 588 1793 ======== [91-3-2] EXPLORING AIDS LITURGIES by Sandy Tipper It was a mountain-top experience, but it concerned an abysmal situation. One weekend in November, twelve people got together at the Aurora Conference Centre under the auspices of the National Church's AIDS Working Group. Our purpose was to explore what the Anglican Church could be doing about liturgies surrounding the issue of AIDS. There were six women and six men, a good mix of clergy and lay; including Clarence Crossman, who works for the AIDS Committee of London and is a pastor in the Metropolitan Community Church, and Doug Graydon, an Anglican priest who is chaplain at Casey House. The collection also included several members of Integrity/Toronto and several members of the Teresa group. This was my first encounter with the Teresa group, who are Anglicans working with children with AIDS and their families. They got their name from St. Teresa of Avila, who one rainy day was thrown from a cart into the mud, and ranted at the Creator, "If this is how you treat your friends, it's no wonder you have so few of them." The people that came together did so from different backgrounds and each had a particular segment of society of which they were most aware, but I am happy to report that there was no sense at all of favouritism. Each was able to see that the issue was about compassion for the sick and their loved ones. We shared our experiences of liturgies: funerals, memorial services, and healing services. On the first evening we participated in a modified form of what has become known as the "Casey House Liturgy". It is a very spiritual but not "religious" ceremony of remembrance. It is important to realise that many of those with whom we interact have no love of nor relation to the Church, but all are God's children, and have spiritual needs, including agnostics and atheists. At the other end of the spectrum, we realised that there are many who are of the household of faith, and have grown up in a rich liturgical environment, so we ended our weekend with a Eucharist that expressed our own feelings and experience of brokenness, loss, and hurt, and resolved into a celebration of empowerment. In between, we compiled a fairly extensive list of resources, a list of "dos and don'ts" for clergy dealing with AIDS in their work, and explored ways that various people affected could be helped in various stages of the course of the disease. It was not our purpose to generate a publishable resource, but to provide raw material for the Working Group to further process and develop. The representatives of the Working Group that were there seemed to think that we had succeeded in that purpose. The opening and closing ceremonies, very different in form and purpose, were tied together by the same vigil candle that was lit in the first and continued to burn until extinguished in the last, and by a song that I had never heard before. "The Song of the Soul" expressed our unity and hope, and it was very moving to be part of a chain of Christians (mostly Anglican), dancing in a chain out of our chapel into the outside world, bringing with us our commitment to personal and communal life and growth in the face of this dreadful disease. ======== [91-3-3] WE ARE PEOPLE OF THE BODY by Barbara Lundblad [BARBARA LUNDBLAD is a Lutheran pastor exercising her ministry in New York City. This is the third article excerpted here in *Integrator* from her keynote address that she gave to Lutherans Concerned's *Assembly 88* held in Toronto. It is published now to let you follow her invitation to read it on Maundy Thursday. Copyright Barbara Lundblad 1988] Finally, my last point: "We are here, this is my body". I want to bring in someone to help me with this from a novel. Here I want to lift up the communion text that we know well, this from I Corinthians chapter 11: "For I received from the Lord what I also delivered to you, that Jesus on the night that he was betrayed took bread, and when Jesus had given thanks, he broke the bread, and said 'this is my body, which is for you'". Of all the words that Jesus might have asked the Church to remember, this one is very significant, and we hardly ever really hear it. Jesus might have said "I give you my spirit", and indeed Jesus did say that. Jesus might have said "I want you to remember that your life will lead to suffering," and he did say that too. Jesus might have said, "I have a lot of good ideas that I want you to remember"; but what Jesus said on that last night, what Jesus wanted the Church to remember whenever we gather, is this phrase "this is my body". Now the Church has stood on its head over the centuries trying to prove how bread can change molecules in order to become body; while we should have been standing on our bare feet trying to say how it is that body -- the *body* -- is what Jesus was talking about, and it is the *body* where God becomes present to us. We have spent all our time working on the wrong thing in the Church. Spending our time trying to prove how bread becomes body, and at the same time trying to prove how the body really ought to be spirit. It's very odd. And now here I have found a text which is now part of my canon, which helps me see what Jesus meant. I call upon a holy woman, her name is Baby Suggs. Some of you may know her if you have read Toni Morrison's novel *Beloved*: "Every Saturday afternoon, Baby Suggs would gather her black sisters and brothers, almost all of them former slaves, and they would gather in a clearing, and then she would sit upon a great flat stone. And she would ask them to laugh and to cry and to sing and to dance, and then in the silence that followed, Baby Suggs wholly offered to them her great, big heart. "She did not tell them to clean up their lives, or to go and to sin no more. She did not tell them they were the blessed of the earth, or its glory-bound pure. What she said was this: " ' Here in this place we flesh, flesh that weeps and laughs, flesh that dances on bare feet on grass. Love it! Love it hard. Yonder, they do not love your flesh, they despise it. They don't love your eyes, they'd just as soon pick 'em out. And oh my people, they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands. Love them. Raise them up and kiss them, touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them to your face, 'cause they don't love that either! You got to love it. You. This is flesh I'm talking about here, flesh that needs to be loved, feet that need to rest and to dance, backs that need support, shoulders that need arms, strong arms I'm telling ya.' "Then, saying no more, Baby Suggs stood up and danced with her twisted hip the rest of what her heart had to say, while the others opened their mouths and gave her the music. Long notes held until the four-part harmony was perfect enough for their deeply loved flesh." This is *flesh* I'm talking about here. This is my body. Try reading this on Maundy Thursday. This gathering is the time at which we come together in the clearing. It becomes a holy place. We say to one another that we are the body of Christ. That word is NOT a metaphor. It must be understood in all the fullness of Baby Suggs' invitation to see ourselves as flesh and to love who we are. We know that there are, I think, at least two realities, in terms of our life as part of the Church. One is that we are part of the whole church, whichever particular denomination we claim; and that we are also here the Church in a way that is different, and in a way that is more affirming of our totality as people who are People of the Body. ======== [91-3-4] THE ANGLICAN CHURCH AND HUMAN RIGHTS The National Executive Committee (NEC) has not, as we may have implied earlier, shelved consideration of a proposed Human Rights Code for the Anglican Church of Canada indefinitely. They requested that a process be developed for the members of NEC to study and consider the proposed document. This has been done, and the Programme Committee have been through the process. NEC will go through the process at their meeting in Winnipeg this spring. The intention is that the draft Code will be sent to the dioceses for their consideration, and brought to General Synod 1992. Since the draft Code mentions sexual orientation, it is of great interest to Integrity. Stay tuned for further details. ======== End of volume 91-3 of Integrator, the newsletter of Integrity/Toronto copyright 1991 Integrity/Toronto comments please to Chris Ambidge, Editor chris.ambidge@utoronto.ca OR Integrity/Toronto Box 873 Stn F Toronto ON Canada M4Y 2N9