Date: Fri, 12 Jun 1998 18:56:33 -0400 From: Chris Ambidge Subject: *Integrator* files for 1989 INTEGRATOR, the newsletter of Integrity/Toronto volume 89-8, issue date 1989 09 29 copyright 1989 Integrity/Toronto. The hard-copy version of this newsletter carries the ISSN 0843-574X Integrity/Toronto Box 873 Stn F Toronto ON Canada M4Y 2N9 == contents == [89-8-1] JOINING IN THE AWARENESS / AIDS AWARENESS WEEK [89-8-2] WHY A RAINBOW RIBBON ? [89-8-3] MCC AIDS VIGIL OF PRAYER [89-8-4] AIDS VICTIMS BROUGHT IT ON THEMSELVES, DEAN SAYS IN TORONTO PRESS / by Chris Ambidge [89-8-5] THE GENDER OF GOD [89-8-6] DANIEL'S STORY ======== [89-8-1] JOINING IN THE AWARENESS AIDS AWARENESS WEEK The week of October 16 to 22 1989 will be AIDS awareness week. There will be events taking place in Toronto throughout this week to increase people's awareness about AIDS. All week long there will be an AIDS memorial at Toronto City Hall with volunteers present to answer questions. There will be an informational insert in *Now* magazine, and the *Safer Sex Tabloid Newspaper* will be distributed to colleges. Three videos will be premiered, one by the Deaf Outreach Program, another by Street Kids International which will be shown October 11 at the St Lawrence Centre, and the last by Inner City Youth which will be shown October 18 at the Euclid Theatre and on Rogers cable. Also on October 18 Harbourfront is staging a Forum on AIDS Treatment and Testing, with Matilda Krimm as the speaker. At some point during the week there will be a one day holistic health symposium. There will be a tree planting ceremony with Alan Tonks and Elinor Caplan on October 16 at 11 a.m. On October 19 in Cawthra Park there will be a candlelight vigil. The *One Night Stand Theatre Group *will be performing at an Etobicoke October 20th and at a bar in York October 21st. At the end of the week, the Anglican Diocese of Toronto has declared October 22nd as AIDS Sunday. On this Sunday, the Reverend Brent Hawkes, Pastor of Metropolitan Community Church Toronto, has been asked to speak to the Anglican Parish of St Francis of Assisi. The service will be held at 3:30 pm in the church, which is located at 6945 Meadowvale Town Centre Circle in Mississauga. The emphasis of the service is threefold: to remember and honour those who have died, to pray for those living with AIDS now, and to commit ourselves to work with and support all those who are touched be the disease. All are welcome, but a special invitation as been extended to those connected with the lesbian and gay communities and their organisations. ======= [89-8-2] WHY A RAINBOW RIBBON ? A rainbow ribbon has been included with each copy of *Integrator*. The rainbow has great significance. For the gay/lesbian community it is the colour of the international lesbian/gay flag. For Christians it is a symbol of the covenant between God and Noah and his descendants that God would never again destroy all life on earth. For both these reasons it is a very suitable symbol to be worn in memory of those who have died of AIDS, in solidarity with those who are infected or affected by AIDS, and in hope that a cure will be found soon. We encourage you to wear this ribbon for all these reasons. We especially suggest wearing it on Sunday October 22, the Anglican Church's day of prayer for AIDS. ======== [89-8-3] MCC AIDS VIGIL OF PRAYER The Metropolitan Community Church held its fourth annual AIDS Vigil of Prayer on the weekend of September 29th. There was an opening service on Friday evening. The church then remained open till the end of the vigil so people would have a place to pray and remember. Over the course of the weekend discussions groups took place and a number of the religious gay/lesbian caucuses led worship services. Integrity/ Toronto's service of prayer, readings and music was at noon on Saturday. On display in the church was the signature square from the AIDS quilt. This is a large square which visitors to the quilt could sign and write their comments on while the quilt was in Toronto. When the quilt moved on, this square remained in the care of MCC. Its presence at the prayer vigil was very appropriate, and the messages on it were very moving. ======== [89-8-4] AIDS VICTIMS BROUGHT IT ON THEMSELVES, DEAN SAYS IN TORONTO PRESS by Chris Ambidge Toronto's Dean Duncan Abraham, in his religion column of the Toronto *Sun* of 17 September was "totally put off" by activists who speak on behalf of people with AIDS (PWAs) and on behalf of battered women. These activists object to others saying that members of those groups might be partially responsible for their plight. The Dean made the point, which I find quite valid, that God created us rational beings, capable of free decisions, and who are responsible for our own actions. In speaking of PWAs, he draws a distinction between "innocent victims" [babies] and others - who are presumably guilty. For these people, "their illnesses didn't come as a bug floating through the air that they had the misfortune to breathe in". I find that kind of distinction to be repugnant, and un-Christian. Jesus did not put a qualifier on his command of who we are to love, or allow for different levels of love depending on culpability. For some reason, Abraham feels the need to point fingers at PWAs (and others) and say "Nyaah Nyaah", or possibly "Naughty Naughty". He gives his prejudices away when he says "...Nevertheless, by their lifestyles and behaviour, *which are not regarded as acceptable by the majority of people,* they have opened the door to the possibility of disaster." [*my italics*] There you have it: homosexuals and IV drug users brought AIDS upon themselves by socially unacceptable behaviour. It therefore becomes OK to say "it's your own fault" to PWAs. People who are injured in automobile accidents are also suffering as a result of voluntarily indulging in high-risk activities. However, these people are not stigmatised by society nor are they pilloried in the religion column of the *Sun,* because driving is a socially acceptable activity. The entire tone of Dean Abraham's article was negative, judgmental and self-righteous. I was irresistibly reminded of both the Pharisee who prayed "I thank thee that I am not like this man", and of those who walked past the robber's victim before the Good Samaritan came along. It is a sobering thought that such opinions are widely held in the hierarchy of our church and, no doubt, in the pews. ======== [89-8-5] THE GENDER OF GOD One of the controversial issues impacting the Church today is the "gender of God". Of course, God is beyond gender as we understand it. However, because God is personal, and sexuality is at the core of personhood as we experience it, we use images taken from human sexuality to speak of God. Not only do such images enable us to speak of God: our use of them, in turn, defines our self-understanding. The "gender of God" question is not peripheral; it has implications for our worship and spirituality. and for our relations with one another and with the planet. One recent attempt to explore these implications is *Body Metaphors: Releasing God-Feminine In Us All* by Genia Pauli Haddon (New York: Crossroad, 1988). Another book which approaches some of the same issues from a different perspective is *The Wisdom of the Psyche* by Ann Belford Ulanov (Cambridge, MA: Cowley Publications, 1988). At the October 11 meeting of Integrity, Sister Thelma-Anne ssjd will lead a discussion based on these two books, outlining some of the main ideas and inviting you to explore, critique, and reflect on their relevance to your own experience. ======== [89-8-6] DANIEL'S STORY + This article is reprinted from both the Canadian and the + American editions of the Integrity publication *Our Stories*. The ringing of the phone woke us very early on Saturday morning. Paul answered it, mumbled something and handed it to me. We had been expecting a call anytime. Dad had been fighting cancer for over a year, first one kind, then another, and finally a third. So I was somewhat prepared when I heard Mom say in a tired but peaceful voice, "Daniel, your father died about half an hour ago." Even so, I could manage only a weak "OK" in response. I don't remember the rest of that conversation. What I do remember is Paul's holding me and rocking me in his arms as I hung up the phone and started to cry. It was the first of many times over the next few days when I would turn to him for comfort and solace. Only a few hours later, Paul and I were on a plane, headed for mother's home in Ashtabula, Ohio. The time in between had been hectic with preparations. We bought airline tickets; arranged for a friend to watch the house and the cat; did our laundry; packed and rushed off to the airport. The time on the plane was our first chance to pause and take stock. I was sad, mostly. Dad was gone. There was a hole in my life that would never be filled again. I was also relieved. Dad was finally at rest after a long struggle. I was even happy. My family was all gathering for the first time in more than a year. With forty of us (counting brothers, sisters, spouses, nieces and nephews) spread over so many states, we cannot get together often. Despite the sad occasion, I looked forward to being with everyone. I was also anxious. This was the first time Paul was going with me. Fortunately, most of my family had already met him on trips through Atlanta over the past several years. So the awkwardness of the initial introductions was behind us. Still, I was anxious. To meet and accept Paul on our "turf" was one thing. To receive him as another in-law in the very heart of the family homestead was something else again. In the first few moments after we arrived, Paul faded into the background with the other in-laws, as I shared a tearful reunion with my mother and the others who had arrived before us. However, that private circle soon opened to include the wider family and Paul was swept up in a love that made no distinctions. And the embrace of that love continued for the rest of our stay. During that time, everyone made a point to spend some time getting to know Paul better. The warmth of their welcome heartened me for it told me that they recognised Paul's importance to me. It was a wonderful visit. Our family reunions are more like family re- creations. There are too many new faces and too many changes to the old ones to be the same family. So we create a new one each time. And this re-creation was better than most, for we had longer together. Usually, we rush in for a wedding and scatter almost as fast with hardly a moment to spare for visiting. This time was different. Dad had died Friday night. By Saturday evening we were gathered. In fact, since calling hours would not be until Monday, we had an entire day, Sunday, to ourselves. We didn't even have to worry about food, for a constant stream of neighbours and friends bearing covered dishes kept us well supplied. With that many people together in one home for such a long time, especially when a good number of them are young children, and with a constant flow of food, it does not take long for a relaxed informality to set in. In fact, we lapsed into a certain zaniness at times. At one point late on Sunday afternoon, with more food in the house than even we, forty-two strong, could handle, another car pulled up. As these new visitors got out of the car carrying flowers, an irreverent cheer went up. "Good, it's flowers! We don't have to eat flowers." Paul and I found ourselves wrapped up in the warmth of being at home. Yet we were never quite as comfortable as the others. How should we carry ourselves during this time? Like most Lesbian or gay couples, we adjust our displays of affection radically depending on the circumstances. In our own home and those of our close friends, we sit close together, touch frequently, and may even exchange a quick kiss. In public, however, we are constantly on guard, restricting our actions to knowing glances or stealing a quick touch only when we are sure others are not looking. How should we act among my family? I was probably more uncomfortable than Paul. It's always been easy for me to share with my family the fact of my being gay but difficult to share the emotions under the surface. Maybe I try to protect them from what I imagine they do not want to know. At any rate, it was not easy for me to change gears on this visit even though I was with Paul. Mostly through my manipulation, we settled into a way of interacting that was closer to our public than our private norm. In fact, at one point Paul complained that we were being so distant that the others were likely to conclude we did not really care for each other. Perhaps Paul was right. At one point, one brother-in-law did refer to Paul as my "buddy." Although he meant no harm, it hurt. I wanted to shout at him, "We're not buddies. We love each other. We share our lives. We have committed our lives to each other just as much as you and my sister have. We are lovers, spouses, mates." But I remained silent. I did, however, resolve to show a little more open affection for Paul. The most unsettling moments came when someone outside the immediate family was there. My mother is still "in the closet" as a parent of a gay man with her friends, and my aunts, uncles, and cousins. When her friends were there, Paul and I tried to make ourselves scarce. When that was impossible, mom gracefully introduced everyone using first names only. She dropped the relationships (for example, "and this is Paul's wife Pat") that she normally provides. This did not work with my relatives. Since they stayed longer and expected to visit with me, there was no way that Paul and I could simply disappear. And in this case, we couldn't get by with the simple trick of introducing people by first names. To them, a newcomer like Paul stands out. So, my brothers and sisters introduced Paul variously as my "friend from Atlanta" or my "roommate." Playing this game of make-believe with mom's friends was not bad. I do not know them well and do not want to share my life story with them. Besides, mom had enough on her mind at the time without the added stress of "coming out" to her friends. But playing this game with my cousins did hurt a little. How can I expect them to share anything important about themselves? Especially Steve, who is in his late teens and, I believe, gay. What does he think when I say nothing? Does he understand why I am silent? Or has my silence made his own coming out all the more difficult? I do not know. Maybe next time. It could be worse. I used to play make-believe all the time -- at home, at work, and at play. One by one, I've broken out of those chains and released the truth. I am richer for the experience, and so are my family, my friends, and those I work with. Some day, this final barrier in my family will also fall. And again, we will be another measure richer. It is a similar hope that keeps me in the church. Yes, there are people in the church who hate gay and lesbian people and work to exclude us. Others merely tolerate us while wishing in their hearts that we would go away. Yet, I have hope. As I have seen my family, friends, and co- workers grow and change, so have I seen a few in the church accept gay and lesbian communicants with open and loving arms. Some day, more will follow their example. We will all be that much richer. ======== End of volume 89-8 of Integrator, the newsletter of Integrity/Toronto copyright 1989 Integrity/Toronto Editor this issue: Bonnie Bewley comments please to Chris Ambidge, current Editor chris.ambidge@utoronto.ca OR Integrity/Toronto Box 873 Stn F Toronto ON Canada M4Y 2N9