Date: Sun, 27 Nov 1994 15:31:58 -0500

From:  ANONYMOUS

To:   The Church Council
      Our Saviour's Church

Dear Brothers and Sisters:

I joined this congregation almost four years ago.  Since then I
have come to know and love many of you.  And I would like to
believe the feelings are mutual.  After being a member for two
years, as some of you know, I began to feel called to ministry.
After discussing it with our Pastor, I approached the church
council and requested to be registered with our governing body's
candidacy committee.  You unanimously agreed to register me and
even offered me financial assistance if I needed it.  
                          
It is with great guilt that I acknowledge I forgot to thank you
in writing or in person for your decision.  I have no excuse and
ask you to forgive me.  The only reason I can offer you to begin
to explain why you never heard from me was because my decision
whether to go to seminary and seek ordination was wrought with
serious internal conflict.  I was struggling deeply with
something.  I did not even know how to deal with the issue
myself, much less with others.  It was that struggle that led me
to decide not to attempt to go to seminary and seek ordination in
our denomination.  Some of you have heard that I have
reconsidered, and some of you have not.  But none of you know
why.  The reason is that I am gay. 

I am telling you this because I think you deserve an explanation
for my lack of response to your registration of me and your offer
of financial assistance.  But also because of the pain this
parish, our governing body, and our denomination are causing me
and other gay people. 

I have known my sexual desires were for other males since I was
11 years old.  Although I had several relationships with other
boys during my teenage years, I believed my sexual orientation
was something I would "outgrow," or that it was just a "phase."
Eventually I began to suspect it was not going to go away by
itself so I tried to "cure" myself by becoming religious.  Of
course it did not work, and when I was eighteen I began to
accept I was gay, and stopped going to church.  Since I was
still in high school my plan was to graduate, move away,
and go to college somewhere far away and be openly gay.  I was
not going to tell my mother or brothers about my orientation
because I was too afraid of what would happen, and that in
telling them I would lose their love.  In other words, I still
had too much internalized shame, fear and confusion about being
gay.  Because of family financial matters, I instead moved with
my family to this city and got a job.  So my hopes never
materialized.

Shortly after that, at nineteen, I met another gay boy whose
situation was similar.  I fell in love with him.  We planned to
move in together.  Before this was to happen though, my mother
found a letter I had written to him and confronted me with it.
We had a major fight, and my mother forbade us to have any
contact with each other ever again.  She also forbade me to have
any male friends visit the house.  (Although I assured her that
all my friends, as far as I knew, were straight.)  Because I was
in college, lived at home, and was financially dependent on my
mother I did as she demanded.  But then my mother went into
denial.  She pretended the conversation never took place.  Out of
fear of losing my mother's love, fear of abuse, and out of shame,
I bought into it.  I pretended to be straight to my mother, and I
pretended the experience never took place.  The shame from this
ordeal stayed with me until only recently.  (My mother now knows
I have come completely out of the closet again and she is working
toward total acceptance).

I decided to try religion again, believing I just had not prayed
enough or been "good enough" to convince God to change me.  But
something deep inside me kept telling me that what the churches
are teaching about homosexuality is wrong.  I knew my orientation
was not a choice, and deep down I knew it was not something I
could change.  How could God really be against homosexuals and
homosexuality if being homosexual was not my idea?  Somehow I
could not believe in that kind of God.  I found several books and
articles at the local library on homosexuality, and they all
agreed it was not a mental illness.  They all said it was not a
choice and that homosexuality was probably determined before
birth. 

I left the church then, because my conscience bothered me.  I
could not belong to a church if churches condemned what I
secretly was.  I decided the whole Christian Church had no
place for me, and neither did God since God would not cure me.
I believed God must have had something against me.  I finally
started the process of accepting I am gay and that religion,
and God, would not change me.  I also stopped considering the
possibility that my orientation meant I was mentally ill.  But
I was still too afraid and ashamed to admit the truth to anyone.
Absolutely no one in my "world" knew I was gay.  

One day a friend invited me to a Christmas Midnight Mass at the
Catholic church he attends.  I loved it.  The liturgy, candles,
music, robes, and the communal nature of the experience seemed
to me to be the most natural and beautiful way to worship God.  
But I still believed God and the whole Christian Church had no
place for me, and I never went back. 

A year later, at 23, my life took an important turn.  I met
someone that was in a 12 Step group for those raised in alcoholic
homes.  This group meets at Our Saviour's.  As she described her
feelings and issues I was amazed.  Her family history, minus the
sexual orientation issues, was virtually identical with my own.
I knew my mother was an alcoholic, but since she had stopped
drinking (on her own) I thought she was not an alcoholic anymore.
I also never realized how much my mother's alcoholism had
affected me.  I started recovery.  It was the best thing I could
ever have done for myself.  I was still too afraid and ashamed to
discuss my sexual orientation with the group, but for the first
time I was able to deal with some of my other issues, like having
been abused throughout my life.  I also began to reassess my
relationship with God.

When I was 24, I started feeling a need to belong to a faith
community and be with others who have a similar spirituality.  I
wanted to join a church that could conceivably accept a gay
person if not now then sometime in the forseeable future.  As
much as I liked the Catholic Church, I knew they would never
accept gays anytime soon, and I disagreed with them theologically
on many points.  I liked "high church" liturgy though so I
decided to try another church that was similar to the Catholic,
but less conservative.  I remembered a magazine article I read
about a pastor from our denomination who fought for gay rights. 
I also knew many of our churches are "high church," so I decided
to attend services here, the same church where my 12 Step group
meets.  

I loved this church from the start, and I came to love you.
After reading and praying about our denomination's theology for
two months I joined.  I was still confused, afraid, and ashamed
of my sexuality, but homosexuality never came up, so I kept my
feelings about being gay to myself. 

After being a member for about two years, I began to believe God
was calling me to ministry.  My spirituality had developed and
deepened so much I felt an unmistakable yearning to share what I
believed was the "good news" of God's totally unconditional love
and grace with the world.  I talked with our Pastor about it and
this is about when I approached the council to become registered
as a candidate.

I knew the only way our denomination would ordain an openly gay
person was if he or she took a vow of celibacy, but I was still
so ashamed, afraid and confused that I was not even willing to
admit to being gay, so I never brought it up.   
                                       
Over the next two years, as I struggled with my conflict about
wanting to become a pastor, and struggled with my sexuality, I
came to realize that again I was trying to "cure" myself with
religion.  I was hoping that by being a "good little Christian,"
(a minister no less!) that I could avoid my sexuality issues 
entirely.  But it was getting harder and harder to do that.

On November 30, 1993, three thugs kidnapped a young gay man
named Nicholus Ray West from a local park and murdered him.  He
was stripped, beaten, and shot nine times producing 27 wounds.
This killing coincided with our Sunday school discussions about
our denomination's first draft of a statement on human sexuality.
It was this killing, together with the animosity toward gay
people within this parish that came with the human sexuality
document, that led me to come completely out of the closet and
forced me to face the truth.  I am gay.  I cannot change it,
nor should I even try.  I have come to know that homosexuality is
genetic in origin and not caused by environment.  It was not
caused by my dysfunctional alcoholic home.  I do not blame anyone
for "making me gay."  I am proud of my sexuality, and happy to be
gay.  I am happier now than I have ever been in my life.  I now
know God created me this way.  Every person I know, my family, my
friends, the people from my 12 Step group, my acquaintances, my
classmates, and my professors all know.  Until now, I have
remained too afraid of telling the people of Our Saviour's.
                                   
But it is the issue of how gay people are treated within our
denomination, and more specifically this parish, that concerns me
the most.  It is the issue I most want you to think about.  Some
of you have made your anti-gay views quite known.  I want you to
know the homophobic remarks made by some of you, and others in
the parish, hurt me deeply.  They also hurt the many other people
within the parish who are gay.  And yes, they are here.  But most
of them are in the closet out of fear that you and the other
members of this congregation, the larger Christian Church, and
the rest of society will reject them.  

Brothers and sisters I love Christ.  And I love you.  But the
hostility against gays is forcing me to consider leaving Our
Saviour's and remaining unchurched.  Many of you have made it
quite clear to me that the love of Christ is conditional here.
To be loved by many of you I have to either not worship here, or
if I do, I must never fall in love with someone and have sex with
him or marry him.  Many of you believe I should try to "cure"
myself through prayers or something else.  I can tell you
firsthand that cures do not work.  There is no such thing as an
"ex-gay" despite what the Religious Right says.  Every major
report says the "ex-gay" movement is unsuccessful at doing
anything but causing shame, depression, misery, and even suicide.
Putting me and other gays in a second-class category is
un-Christian, and un-loving.

We do not wish to destroy the American family (I have a family
too). We are not against "traditional family values."  We do not
wish to "recruit" children (this is another myth started by the
Religious Right).  We are not all promiscuous or immoral.  Not
any more than anyone else.  We are not mentally ill.  Not any
more than any one else.  We do not seek "special rights."  All we
want is what each of you have, the right to fall in love with
whomever we are attracted to and have the people we care about,
such as you, accept it the same way you accept heterosexuality.
God loves us just as much as God loves all of you.

Please do not force me to leave this parish.  I love Our
Saviour's and so do the other gays here.  Conditionalizing one's
love for homosexuals leads to severe depression, misery, and even
suicide of those who are gay.  It is especially hard on
teenagers.  According to Jocelyn Elders, the Surgeon General of
the United States, gay-related issues account for 30 percent of
teen suicide.  It even leads to harassment, beatings, and murder,
as Nicholus Ray West found out.
                           
During the discussion of the human sexuality document we
discussed the Bible.  Biblical interpretations that allow us a 
broader definition of love, a definition that allows us to love
the homosexual, were clearly made possible. 

These interpretations would allow gay people the same things you
all enjoy:  the right to be in love, have a committed
relationship, and have a healthy sex life.  These interpretations
are possible without destroying the authority of scripture and
without making it possible to justify other things that gays too
consider immoral, such as child-molesting or adultery.         
         
I am asking all of you as Christians seriously to reconsider your
beliefs and accept this broader definition.  The narrower view is
hurting me and the other gays in this parish.  Whether you wish
to believe it or not, you already know gay people.  Many of us
are your friends, some of us may even be members of your family.

Again, thank you for your registration of me and for the offer of
financial assistance.  But I will not be pursuing ordination in
our denomination.  I cannot.  Our denomination will not allow me
to become a minister unless I take a vow of celibacy.  And I
refuse to do that because it would mean accepting a second-class
position within the church.  I love myself too much to do that.
And I have too much integrity to lie to the church any longer.                     
          
Please do not make the same mistake our denomination is making.
Do not hurt us anymore.  Love your neighbor as yourself.


In the love of Christ,


ANONYMOUS