Date: Sat, 7 Oct 1995 15:02:21 -0500 From: Steve Basile Subject: Taking A Step Out Taking A Step Out By Steve Basile, PFLAG/Austin (c) 1995 (See Note at end) On October 11, many will celebrate this year's National Coming Out Day. Now sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign Fund, NCOD commemorates one of the first and most successful gay rights marches in Washington, held in 1987. These days however, National Coming Out Day is set aside as a day for each of us to take a step, however small, out of whatever closet we are still in. It is a day when that step can be reinforced by the comforting thought that all over America, similar people are taking similar steps on the same day. What does "Coming Out Day" mean to you? Like most matters of substance, it means something different to each of us, fellow travelers on this journey. Since coming out to my parents and family three years ago this week, I been asked time and again by many parents and friends at varying stages in the process for assistance, as if my being out somehow qualified me as a certified advisor of some sort. Hardly. But I am willing to help. My advice usually boils down to this simple thought: "Each at his own time, each at his own pace, each in his own way. Coming out is a process, a journey, not a race. Unlike most journeys, there is no one destination in mind, only a direction. Keep on. When you stray, or slow down, don't be afraid to ask advice or direction. Your journey is yours alone, and regardless of where you end up, or when, don't let anyone else plan the trip." There is an unfortunate tendency, I believe, for those who are "more out" than others to encourage those still in the closet to "rush right out" to join them in their new-found freedom. This is not the way, in my opinion, to nurture and encourage those still wrestling with personal issues. Coming out is an act of love; it is an expression of trust, and an awareness that we have reached a point in our relationship with those we know, love and work with to be completely honest with them. Only an individual can possibly know when that time is right. But what can each of us do on a practical level to be more open? It need not be anything so public as a declaration that one is gay, lesbian, or the parent of a gay or lesbian child. Simple things can help open the minds, and eventually the hearts, of those around us who labor under the misconception that gay men and lesbians are "somewhere else." We can fix the teller of a gay joke with an icy stare and say simply, "I don't get it." Or when someone utters a homophobic or bigoted comment within earshot, simply say "Ouch!"and walk away. People who tell jokes _hate_ it when people don't get it. Some of us may be ready to take stronger steps in such cases, taking a stand for their gay friend, son or daughter. Remember though, that in simply raising your voice, and in so doing raising the awareness of those around you, you have taken a step forward, a step out. We can write to that TV show with the stereotypical, negatively-portrayed gay character and tell them we are not amused. We can write to thank the advertisers who support gay-positive shows, or advertise in gay magazines like The Advocate, or OUT. We can subscribe, discretely if we must, to these magazines so we are aware what's going on outside our community. We can tell a merchant that we shop at their establishment because they have chosen to be listed in the local Gay-Friendly Business Guide. We can, in so many subtle, easy and non-threatening ways, speak out about who we are, and show how we care for those we love. The tyranny of the closet is unknown to all but those who have lived there. It is a dark and murky world of changed pronouns, uncomfortably hesitant discussions, half-truths and hidden lives. It can be a smothering place till we crack open the door and let fresh air in, even if it's only a little at a time. Remember, we do not have to tear down the doors all at once. But think about opening the door just a crack this October, as gay men and lesbians all over America celebrate individual triumphs over societal tyrannies. "The closet is not where we hide. It is where the truth is, until we let it out, and share it with those we love." So good luck and godspeed on this journey. Remember, many have gone before you, many will follow, but most importantly, many many good people are right beside you as you make the trip. Happy NCOD to all my PFLAG friends! (For more information on National Coming Out Day, including really neat-looking NCOD tee-shirts, mugs and other merchandise, contact the HRCF's NCOD line on 800-866-NCOD) By: Steve Basile (c) 1995, All rights reserved. Permission to reprint with attribution to the author and PFLAG/Austin granted to all PFLAG organizations. -- Steve Basile |"Liberty is the right ____ Austin, Texas | not to lie. " \ / basile@tivoli.com| -- Albert Camus \/ ------------------------------------------------------ My opinions are my own. The truth belongs to everyone. Personal: http://www.geopages.com/WestHollywood/1226/ PFLAG Austin: http://www.outline.com/pflag/austin.hp.html