Date: Thu, 09 Feb 1995 16:29:51 -0800
From: dbatterson@attmail.com (David  Batterson)

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                   Newt's Queer Bashers on the Internet
                           By David Batterson


     As the Religious Reich continues to march to the tune of "Onward
Christian Soldiers," we can expect the clueless Newtbies,
chainsmoking Helmsmen and Rush dittohead dorks to increase their
invasion of the Internet too.
     Of course, they will not be satisfied with the Internet status
quo, but will immediately want to change things around to suit their
rightwing agenda and placate their corporate contributors.  Let's
take a gander at what we might expect if they have their way.
     Senator Jesse Helms will be setting up a World Wide Web "home page"
for the tobacco industry, where we can view video clips on the joys of
smoking, read informative text on how curbing smoking is an
infringement of our Constitutional liberties, see .GIF photos of
celebrities smoking away, and listen to .WAV files of cigarette
manufacturer CEOs testifying before Congress that there's no evidence
linking tobacco to lung cancer.   Address: http://www.rightwing.puk
     Speaker Newt Gingrich will set up a gopher site, where you can
download such great files as "The Wit and Wisdom of Roy Cohn,"
"Hitler Did Have SOME Good Ideas," by Pat Buchanan (with foreword by
David Duke), "I Kissed the Rightwing's Ass to Become President," by
George Bush, and "I'm Nott A Gai Bashur" by Dan Quayle.
     You'll be able to read and post in delightful new Newsgroups
like jobs.many.entrylevel, alt.gay.hangem, people.orphanages.buildem,
legal.aid.nofunds, TV.public.disband, defense.budget.skyhigh,
environment.pollute.whocares, and tobacco.ifyagotem.smokem.
     You'll have to learn some new terminology when the "Sieg Heil"
crowd takes over.  Don't worry, though; there will not be prison time
for first time offenders who still use the old meanings.  You will be
required to subscribe to National Review, however, to catch up.
     The definition of WWW (World Wide Web) will be changed to We
Want Wealth.
     Archie and Veronica will be banned, due to the underlying sexual
innuendo found in those degenerate comic strips.
     URL (Uniform Resource Locator) will probably become Unscrupulous
Republican Liars.
     IRC (Internet Relay Chat) becomes Irresponsible, Reprehensible
Congress.
     WAIS (Wide Area Information Server) switches over to Why AIDS
Is Sin.
     SLIP/PPP (Serial Line Internet Protocol/Point-to-Point Protocol)
will see its definition fall by the wayside.  The terms will soon
stand for Slippery, Lame Internal Policies/Petty Poof Persecution.
     HTML (HyperText Markup Language) will instead mean Homos Take
Millions of Lovers.
     TCP/IP (Transmission Control Protocol/Internet Protocol) will
stand for Take Control and Plunder/Investigate .
     And FTP (File Transfer Protocol)?  That's easy.  It will soon
mean: Fuck Those Pansies!
     See ya on the Net, and don't forget to give the ACT-UP! third-finger
salute to our bigoted Congressional leadership.  8^/
                                   ###


     David Batterson contributes to Bay Area Reporter (S.F), WIRED,
CONNECT, WAVE, Portland Computer Bits, and other publications.
Cybermail: dbatterson@attmail.com.