Date: Sun, 7 Oct 90 22:01 EDT From: "Tom Limoncelli @ Drew University" Subject: NCOD Article (a little long) I'm on the staff of my school newspaper (The Acorn). In the opinons section this week, I wrote the following. I got a good reaction, so I thought that I'd post it to this list. -Tom NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY MEANS MUCH TO SOME Tom Limoncelli, Staff Writer Mark your calendar: October 11 is National Coming Out Day (NCOD), a day that gay, lesbian and bisexual rights groups encourage people to take the "next step" in coming out. Even if you are straight there are reasons to mark your calendar (read on). "Coming out" means many things to many people. Coming out is, initially, the process that one goes through when they come to the self-realization that they are gay, lesbian, or bisexual. It may happen to a person at age 12, age 21, or even age 45! The next step is to tell someone. This can be the most difficult part. Imagine hiding the most very basic part of you. Imagine not telling any of your friends, your parents, your family. All the while they have plenty of time to build up assumptions about you (how straight you are, etc.) and now you are going to shatter their whole concept of you. Usually this is a good experience. In most cases the "outee" has planned this for weeks, sometimes years. They've mentioned gay friends to make sure your reaction wasn't totally negative; and now they spring the news. Tears fall, hugs are hugged, and the two (maybe a you and a friend) are now closer. The third step is to tell one's parents. This may be years down the road for some people. By now the person (you maybe?) have told a couple close friends. In fact, you're pretty damn good at it, or so you think. Parents tend to build up an entire image of what their child are, what they are not, and what they will be in the future. Parents also often have a gross misconception of homosexuality. Fear of the unknown. Fear that can make them lash out at you. This one is much harder than you can ever imagine. Maybe you almost get the courage to do it five or six times; then finally it happens. Once your family knows, it's no longer a worry who else will find out. Well, there are some, but you don't have to worry about someone telling your parents. Coming out is a life-long process. The fourth and last stage is dealing with every new person you meet. Just about everyone will assume that you are straight. Don't you assume that everyone you meet is straight? If someone asks you what you did last weekend and you spent it vacationing in Provincetown with your lover you either have to make up a story ("Oh, my girlfriend and I went to the beach") or come out to the person ("My boyfriend and I rented a condo in Provincetown and saw the sights"). The picture I have painted is near-perfect, but there are bad experiences. A friend at William Patterson College came out to his parents and was thrown out of his house. Without their support he was not able to return to school. Don't think this hasn't happened at Drew. The other problem with coming out is that your boss may find out. The University policy states that discrimination against sexual orientation is not permitted. Of course, once you get into the "real world" you'll find bosses that are homophobic (fearful of gays) or just plain anti-gay. This might change soon. It has changed in Wisconsin. As if by magic, now that Tom Kean is no longer Governor, the New Jersey Gay Rights Bill (A634) has finally been allowed to leave committee. Even then, there will always be homophobes and gay-bashers. Be careful! Another time to not come out is during an argument. If a person comes out as a weapon--"Oh yea? What would you do if I told you I'm gay?"--the reaction is almost guaranteed to be bad. Why is it important to come out? Certainly, it improves your mental health. If you are hiding something that basic to yourself, it brings shame into your life. That's certainly not healthy. Also, it makes you more productive. No more company time wasted trying to figure out excuses about where you go for your social life or that a personal day that you took was to take care of a sick lover. So what if a person comes out to you? There you are, in your straight little room and a friend stops by. When or if they tell you, the first thing to do is give them a hug. No matter how macho you are, this is the universal sign language for "Thanks for trusting me." Why are they telling you this? What does it all mean? There are two things to consider. Remember that it may have taken years for this person to bring him or herself to the point where they can tell you this. Therefore, don't feel guilty for taking a couple years to get used to the fact. The person is telling you out of trust you. It is a show of friendly love. They aren't hitting on you. This is a springboard to a better understanding that will let you become closer friends. On October 11 the Oprah Winfrey show (4-5PM) will be on N.C.O.D. This is a yearly event and is quite educational to straight and non-straight people alike. Pamphlets will also be handed out in the University Center by members of The Alliance explaining the purpose of N.C.O.D., as well as advice on coming out and what to do if someone comes out to you. The more people that come out, the less likely people will be apathetic of gay-bashing and discrimination. A friend of mine designs electronics for a living. Everyone in his department knew he was the best designer they had; he was well liked and respected. One day he came out to the people of his office. They had liked him before, they reasoned, why should any of that change? This also broke many of their stereotypes they had about gay men. He wasn't a hairdresser, nor did he wear women's clothing. A 20-person department was now enlightened. Gay, lesbian, and bisexual people don't want anything more than anyone else; they just want to be excepted as normal (whatever that is) and given a little respect. The best part of the above story is that a few weeks later he overheard the following conversation: Some people were arguing politics and the subject of gay rights came up. These people, some of which had previously been homophobic, all agreed that gay rights was a good thing. They reasoned that they'd hate to see their good friend be discriminated against or beaten up. Their myths and misconceptions had been removed. They had realized that gay people are just as normal as anyone else. None of this would have happened if someone had stayed in the closet. October 11 is less than a week away. Will you come out to someone? It takes a lot of planning, and it shouldn't be rushed. Be careful. Will you make it easy for your friends to come out to you? When the conversation is over how will you treat the person? I suggest a big hug... followed by a little respect. -Tom --- tlimonce@drew.edu ...if you love your NIC Tom Limoncelli tlimonce@drew.uucp ...if you can read the maps +1 201 408 5389 tlimonce@drew.bitnet ...if you hate standards!