Info File for the Self-esteem Mailing List
 ---- ---- --- --- ----------- ------- ----

The 'esteem' list (esteem@queernet.org) is the mailing list for the Gay
and Bi Men's Self-esteem Project.  This project is exploring how gay and
bi men's feelings of low self-esteem affects their lives.

Many gay and bi men have expressed feelings of low self-esteem.  Their
feelings of low self-esteem may be caused by a variety factors like
early development experiences or family issues which may or may not be
related to their sexual preferences.  (We're not assuming that a gay or
bi man must have low self-esteem because of being gay/bi.)

These feelings of low self-esteem can affect bi and gay men's lives
in various ways, most of which are not unique to gay/bi men.
The consequences of low self-esteem and the ways of coping with the
pain are influenced by a number of factors, including values expressed
and messages sent to them as gay/bi men by various members of the gay
men's community and sent to them as men by society in general.

One consequence is the deep fear of intimacy that many gay/bi men have.
There is a tendency to meet their intimacy needs through sexuality.  This
approach allows them to fulfill their intimacy needs without the risk of
letting someone know them as a fellow human being. The unconscious fear
arising from low self-esteem is that if someone saw past their sexual
veneer, they would see how unworthy they feel at some deeper level.
Treating another gay/bi man as an object instead of a person helps to
reduce this fear.

The painful feelings of low self-esteem can be temporarily diminished by
hunting for sexual partners and having sex with them.  The preoccupation
with the hunt, along with feelings of success when finding a partner and
recognition from the partner all help in reducing the pain of the underlying
low self-esteem.  Since the pain is only temporarily reduced, the gay/bi
man has to repeat this process.  An unfortunate consequence of this repetition
is the development of sexual addiction in the gay/bi men as they try to
cope with low self-esteem.  The increase of the HIV infection rate among
younger gay men could be partially attributed to sexual addiction
and low self-esteem where they don't care if they live.

Another consequence of low self-esteem can be extremely high expectations.
Sometimes when a person has low self-esteem, they may have low expectations
or values, e.g. not dressing very well, not taking care of themselves
physically or emotionally, etc.  The opposite can also occur where they
need to have the perfect wardrobe, perfect body or perfect sexual technique.
The low esteem feelings pressure them past the "good enough" point to the
need for perfection.  By being perfect, they can minimize the possibility
of criticism which their low self-esteem cannot handle.

Having high expectations can also allow a person with low self-esteem to be
very judgemental.  They can feel superior by putting down other people.
For example, look at some of the less than useful put-downs or flames which
occur in many gay men's conversations instead of being supportive or helpful.
Some other examples can be found in some news groups on the internet.

The low self-esteem compounds the problem of change.  If a person doesn't
feel good about himself, he is less likely to look at himself.  Without this
self-reflection, there cannot be change.  Also, the person with low
self-esteem can be hyper-sensitive to any sort of critical or negative
feedback.  This hyper-sensitivity will inhibit personal growth.


For a long time, the gay men's and lesbian communities did not look at
alcoholism or drug use as being issues of concern to these communities.
Many people outside these communities also had these same problems.  Over
time these communities started recognizing that their members who wrestled
with these issues needed support which had an awareness of their
sexual minority issues.  The various gay and lesbian 12 step programs,
the yearly Living Sober conference and the other programs like San Francisco's
Operation Concern were developed as a result.

The Gay and Bi Men's Self Esteem Project is taking a similar view that
while gay/bi men are not unique in having low self-esteem, it might be
useful that an understanding of their low self-esteem issues and the ways
they cope with the pain is developed within a context of their being gay
or bi.