From: "Dennis (aka) Tony" Subject: New Mailing List Date: Tue, 12 Mar 1996 11:00:43 -0500 Diverse Sexuality Partners This is a mailing list for partners who have differing sexuality. Many different combinations are possible...a gay, non-monogamous man partners with a bi, monogamous woman....a straight woman partners with a bi man, a lesbian partners with a straight man, etc. Here are some real life examples of the types of things that would, could and should be discussed: 1. I tried out having a primary relationship with a man. That has been a wonderful experience for me...has allowed me to become secure and confident with men in a way I never was before, and also has allowed me to see that, for me, sex and romance with a man aren't all that different from sex and romance with my wife...they're not identical, but in a real day-to-day relationship, the intensity and longing and fascination subside and it becomes...well, like a marriage. That has actually been very sane making for me. Anyhow, recently, I have come to realize that having a man hasn't made me stop missing my wife, stop wanting to do our relationship. Once the newness wore off, I realize that a man alone is not what I want to do with my life, just as a wife alone was not. And yet I want them both in my life. I started to evolve a notion of what would feel like a "family" for me -- that having a man and a woman who both felt like family, not a "wife" and a "lover" who was outside my family, was what I wanted for my life. {I want} to find a life in which I can have both him and my wife and we can all...hopefully...be content. Both my wife and my man are basically very monogamous people who want nothing more than to have a husband and settle down and make a home. Neither of them has any interest in outside relationships, or in any sexual/romantic relationship between them. So it is definitely me in the middle. We are just embarking on this...nothing has changed yet, concretely. We are just beginning to talk, and are determined to move slowly, give people time to get used to things, see how they feel. 2. I am beginning to get a little tired of people asking, "So, are you STILL married to HER?" or the surprised comment, "Married to a WOMAN?" Then when they discover how "out" I am in comparison to themselves, it seems to make no difference. One student found out I was gay and asked, "But aren't you married?" "Yes, for 28 years." "Does she know about you?" "Yes, she knows." "You mean you told her you were gay?" "Yes, I finally had to be honest about who I am." Now I don't mean this is a defensive way, but the next reaction is usually, "Oh, then you're bisexual." "No, I am gay, not bisexual. It's OK to be bisexual, but I am gay." "Oh...." The slogan DIVERSITY ENRICHES should be taken much more seriously by people in all communities. DIVERSITY really does ENRICH and should be accepted. We are not and will not all be the same. 3. I am a Gay married man. I have a male lover. I love my wife greatly but need the love and companionship of a man as well. I would like this list to be a forum for discussion on the joy, the sorrow, and the hope for making these partnerships work. I would like this NOT to be a personals list in that people use it to seek partners, but, rather, a forum to discuss the ASPECTS of partnerships. I would encourage all members of the partnership to participate, but even if some members are not interested, the remaining member(s) can certainly benefit and participate. I ask that you send me an e-mail (dastony@umich.edu) requesting to join the list and a short statement attesting to the fact that you are 18 or older. The system I have set up is not highly efficient nor high tech. It is possible for someone to finger the group and obtain your e-mail address. I do not give out members names or addresses. Check out the mailing list's homepage for more info: http://www-personal.umich.edu/~dastony/divsexpart.html Dennis