Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 17:49:10 -0700 From: Jean Richter Subject: 10/12/99 P.E.R.S.O.N. Project news 1. AZ: Youth group honors gay activist mom 2. GA: Articles on anti-gay murder of student posted to web site ============================================================================= Arizona Daily Star, September 18, 1999 P. O. Box 26887,Tucson,AZ,85726 (Fax 602-573-4141 ) (E-MAIL: letters@azstarnet.com ) ( http://www.azstarnet.com/ ) Wingspan honors gay activist mom By Rhonda Bodfield Sander, The Arizona Daily Star There are some souls who seem to know the paths they are destined to walk. There are others who end up in a faraway place they never envisioned. Fifteen years ago, Jean Baker would never have predicted that at age 72, she'd be honored for her gay rights activism. And she could never have foreseen the heartbreaking path that led her there. [Deleted article. filemanager@qrd.org] Telling her story helps, she said. "It's difficult for people to oppose a mother who stands up for her children. There's something sacred about motherhood and it's important for families to come out and be supportive of their gay children.'' YOUTH GROUPS Wingspan holds weekly support groups for youths and young adults at its offices, 300 E. Sixth St. The young adult group, for ages 20 to 30, meets every Saturday from 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. The youth group, for those 23 and younger, meets on Saturdays from 3 to 4:30 p.m. Appointments aren't needed and walk-ins are welcome. There is no charge. For more information, call Wingspan at 624-1779. ================================================================================ I've posted several articles on the anti-gay murder of a middle school student by a high school student on our web site at URL: http://www.youth.org/loco/PERSONProject/Alerts/States/Georgia At over 20K, they're too long to post here, but if you can't access the web and would like to have them emailed to you, let me know. ================================================================================ Teen People, October 1999 Write On, P.O. Box 999, Radio City Station, New York, NY 10101-0999 (E-Mail: letters@teenpeople.com ) ( http://www.teenpeople.com ) OR AOL Keyword: Teen People When you're in love, you want the world to know. But when you're gay, some people don't want to hear about it. Here, three couples who have come out celebrate their feelings BY CRIS BEAM CARY & MARIA, together one year Cary Padilla and Maria De La Cueva are proof that opposites attract, although it wasn't love at first sight when they were introduced by a mutual friend, Elsie DeLatorre, 21, at a Los Angeles Starbucks in August 1998. "I'm wild, and she's kick-back," says 19-year-old Maria. "I thought she was too serious for me." Cary's version of the story? "She was hyper and acting stupid, so I kind of blew her off." Later that week, Cary called Elsie's house, and Maria answered the phone. True to form, Maria started joking around. "I didn't think I'd be her type, but I like to flirt," says Maria. This time, however, she caught Cary in a playful mood. "She turned on the charm, and I flirted right back," admits Cary, 20, who invited Maria to meet her later that night at Axis, a local dance club. Since then, the two rarely let a day pass without seeing each other and say their differences make their bond even stronger. Maria's offbeat sense of humor, for example, tempers Cary's seriousness. "I can be so angry, then Maria will say the silliest thing and make me laugh," says Cary. "That's what I love about her." Adds Maria: "And she teaches me how to be more responsible. We learn from each other." Responsibility is something Cary knows a lot about. A severe diabetic, she's been in and out of hospitals her entire life, which, she says, "makes you mature quickly." At first, Cary worried that she and Maria got too serious, too quickly. "I thought maybe I jumped in too fast," says Cary, who realized her fears were unfounded when Maria sat by her bedside for two weeks while she recovered from diabetes-related eye surgery. "I'm totally devoted to her," says Maria. So devoted, in fact, that last April Maria asked Cary to marry her. As usual, Cary thought she was kidding, but Maria pressed on, saying, "I want to have a big wedding and invite all of our friends and family, so everyone will know we're together." (Although gay marriage isn't sanctioned by law, many couples choose to have a wedding or commitment ceremony.) Realizing that dream will be tricky. Maria, who came out at 15, says her parents and most of her eight siblings are "understanding," but a relative refers to Cary disparagingly as "the dyke" and to Maria as "he-she" or "it." Says Maria: "[This person's] very homophobic, but I try not to let it get to me." Sometimes it does, though, and Maria flees to Cary's to spend time with her, her mom and her 19-year-old sister, Isabelle, who have been supportive since Cary came out at 15. (Cary's father died when she was 10.) Luckily, the couple is surrounded by comforting friends, many of whom are gay. Both recently graduated from EAGLES Academy, a Los Angeles high school for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender teens. (Cary enrolled... sophomore year; Maria in her senior year.) Outside of that nurturing environment, however, they've confronted their share of homophobia. A few years ago, Cary and an ex-girlfriend were mistaken for gay men and taunted by a group of rowdy guys (both girls had shaved heads at the time). In their Latin neighborhood, Maria explains, "being gay isn't cool, but being a gay man is the worst." Despite the potential dangers, Maria and Cary refuse to hide their feelings, and plan to move in together as soon as they have enough money saved. For now, the two have agreed to a long engagement. As the ever-pragmatic Cary points out: "We just graduated, and we have college to think about. I want us to know what we're getting into." ROB & JOE, together one year, five months The most thoughtful thing Joe Normandin ever did for Rob Bencale was convince him to tell people he was gay. "I planned on going to college and coming out right away, but I didn't," says Rob, 20, a sophomore at Boston University. "I was afraid. I wanted people to like me." There was, however, one place he felt comfortable being himself: on the Internet, where he could open up in the anonymity of gay chat rooms. That's where he met Joe, 21. "1 was in a room called 'Gay Boston' and I noticed another B.U. e-mail address," recalls Joe. "He messaged me and described himself and told me he was a neuroscience major," Rob continues. "Then we sent each other pictures electronically." After several more computer conversations, the two agreed to meet face-to-face at a coffee bar not far from campus. "Joe fit my mold. He's really intelligent, cute, and he likes computers," says Rob. "There wasn't a silent moment." But the date grew tense when Rob and Joe headed back to Rob's dorm room to play video games. "Every time I heard a noise, I ran to check the peephole in the door," says Rob, who hadn't yet worked up the nerve to tell his roommate he was gay. Even as their relationship progressed, Rob and Joe pretended to be platonic. "I'd constantly have to take my arm off his shoulder or move to another seat so I wasn't sitting so close when other people were around. One time a friend came in and said, 'What are you two faggots doing tonight?"' remembers Joe, who has been out to family and friends since he was a senior in high school. "I looked at Rob with fire in my eyes." Fed up with the secrecy, Joe gave Rob an ultimatum: Come out or break up. That summer, Rob finally told his mother he was gay. "She kind of already knew," says Rob. "We were both crying. She said, 'I really don't care. You'll always be my son. I'll always love you."' Soon after, Rob came out to his brothers, Mike, 23, and Chris, 16, and friends, all of whom were accepting. Their positive reactions gave him the courage to confront his new roommate last fall. "The first weekend we were at school, I told him I was gay," says Rob. "He was cool with it." Recently, he faced his biggest worry: coming clean to his father. "He kept repeating, 'Are you sure?"' says Rob. "Then he said, 'Be safe.' He was kind of emotionless, but I'm hoping he'll come to me with his concerns." In the meantime, Rob and Joe's romance is flourishing, thanks to their newfound freedom. "We hold hands and kiss before class. The other day, Joe got me flowers, irises," says Rob. "I carried them on the bus and someone commented about how nice they were. For the first time, I just blurted out, 'They're from my boyfriend.' I feel so liberated! I owe that all to Joe." LAURA & DOROTHY, together one year, five months The night that Laura McElhinney and Dorothy Thompson first locked eyes, at a gay dance hosted by Inside Out, a Colorado Springs gay and lesbian youth group, Dorothy was looking less than glamorous: She had streamers attached to her head and balloons tied around her waist. "I was being a goofball, but I guess she thought that was attractive," says Dorothy with a laugh. "I did think she was cute," confirms Laura, 19. "We hung out every day after that meeting." More than a year later, the duo are still inseparable, although they hit a few speed bumps in the beginning. "We were a month into it when Laura first said 'I love you,"' says 16-year-old Dorothy. "Afterward, she just started crying and left the room." The reason, Dorothy later found out, was that Laura was overwhelmed by her emotions, one of which was fear. "When you first experience generosity in a romance, it's natural to be scared," Laura explains. "Dorothy brings me flowers. No one had ever done that before." At Sand Creek High School, Laura, who graduated in May, went through a confusing period of experimentation before figuring out she was gay. "I can't scientifically explain it," she says. "I'm not attracted to boys - physically or emotionally." Laura's classmates disapproved of her sexual orientation and demonstrated it by calling her names like "dyke" and throwing crumpled paper at her on the bus. "High school was hell," says Laura, who's now taking classes at Pikes Peak Community College. At one time, her home life wasn't much better. When Laura was 13, she and her mother fought so often that she moved into a group home. A year later, she moved in with her aunt Linda, who lived nearby. Soon after, she came out. "My aunt thought it was a phase and didn't take it too well at first, but she got better after a year," says Laura, who patched things up with her mother recently. "My dad is pretty liberal, so he doesn't care. " Dorothy, a junior at Sierra High School in Colorado Springs, has had an easier time of it. "I like school. People treat me respectfully, and if they don't, I have plenty of friends to stick up for me," she says. And Dorothy never had to go through a nerve-racking coming-out talk with her family - they just came to the conclusion on their own. "It's kind of obvious," she says. "No guys call. But we don't really talk about it." These days, the couple is focusing on supporting each other. "Laura's very dependable," says Dorothy. "She's always there when I need her." REACHING OUT October 11 marks the 11th annual National Coming Out Day, when gay teens and adults are encouraged to reveal their orientation to someone new. But coming out is often difficult. To help make the process less traumatic, Kirsten Kingdon, executive director of Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays... * Test the waters by bringing up homosexuality in a neutral manner by, say, mentioning a gay character on TV, to assess that person's general feelings on the subject. * You might want to approach someone who you know will be understanding – a close friend or a teacher – to assure support for the big day. If religion is an important part of your life, this would be a good time to talk to a clergyman or another figure at your place or worship. * If you're economically dependent on your parents and you sense they will be hostile or throw you out, consider waiting until you're more independent. * Pick a place where you know you won't be interrupted to break the news. Some kids tell their folks in a letter because they feel they're more articulate in writing; others choose to do it face-to-face. * Ride out their reactions. There are so many social cues that say being gay is wrong, so it may take your parents a while to see that you're much happier being yourself. For more advice on coming out, check these resources: * Now That You Know: A Parent's Guide to Understanding Their Gay and Lesbian Children, by Betty Fairchild and Nancy Hayward (Harcourt Brace) * P-FLAG: Call 202-638-4200 or visit their Web site at www.pflag.org to find a chapter near you or to download the brochure "Be Yourself." * WWW.QUEERAMERICA.COM: Look up this national database of more than 4,000 resources. ================================================================================ Jean Richter -- richter@eecs.berkeley.edu The P.E.R.S.O.N. Project (Public Education Regarding Sexual Orientation Nationally) These messages are archived by state on our information-loaded free web site: http://www.youth.org/loco/PERSONProject/